Gah

I have a constant disturbance of my routines of being. I feel stuck in a quicksand of nonsense questions and impossible desires. they go as such>

If I am only self conscious through my self conscious, there is a serious paradoxical situation to be dealt with. What looks at myself? Can my consciousness split and twist itself to distort itself as if I took my eyes out of my sockets to look at my face? Maybe only self consciousness is real and not the self itself, since the self that the self consciousness perceives is only a perception specifically of my self consciousness. Maybe I am only being such that without the motion of self consciousness there is no existence, to not be able to perceive a self from the distant vantage point of walkway of self consciousness I have no reference point for any of my sensibilities extended outside of me. maybe this is the existential nothingness I have always tried to avoid. It is not like I haven't felt it though, but to understand it a little more on a superficial rational plane just makes it a wider gap. gah.
talked to mom and dad today. i told them about my problem of not being able to get beyond the sense that everyone else lives in my life as a ghost and vice versa. she said you just have to trust so. I think mom became unintentionally a kierkegaard wit. first leap of faith I think is this gap between and my self before I can trust the ghosts to be substantial. then that, and then the next unto death. hehehe. yeah lame one.
what do you think?

please don't go
please don't go

Recently I have had a very strong desire to experience things without the colluded presence of my perceptions and existence. I want to see a rock as it is without me seeing it. maybe something even less than that. I want to see light and darkness as they are without me. I want to hear noise as they sound without me. I want to feel surfaces as they are without me. I want to taste food as it is without me. I want to smell air as it is without me. I want experience the existence of things without senses and without me. I want to think thoughts without my mind. I want to feel emotions without me. I want to exist without me. maybe that is how God exists.