Prologue to "of Widows and Ravens"

I am reading John and of the word
And light

What can I not fathom
Every time I read it over
It is plain but beyond my comprehension
This infinity of being
It is existence before essence
But a thing unraveled in
Webs that are straight
And spiraled in directions
That are beyond my
Life of darkness and light
All that remains to understand is that He is.
Like a rock
We may make suggestions as to its
Components and age and its origins
That is all I can say of myself
That it is natural for me to
Deny anything beyond the rock

Of Widows and Ravens

“he did not fail to confess
but confessed freely”

It takes God to tire even a prophet
To tempting sleeps of suicide in the shade
Of a desert’s tree
And here God answers in a dark way
Giving the prophet’s doubts only rest when ravens
Carry bread and meat on their black wings
And when this fails
God makes it hard on a widow to
Feed God’s broken man in place of her child
And only raging frustrating pleas turns the ear of God
To breathe life again
- so if that is the only blessing
to live in the shadows of ravens’ wings
and the ravenous hunger of a famine
bringing death to children, when serving Him
- then life is something taken for granted
even if God is a liar
because his broken men still fear death
and the soul of a nation is still bent crooked
from a blind king that only sees mirrors
as of the kings to everyone’s own soul today

Bruised and Crack

When I was a young girl
You had me wear skirts
When I was a young girl
You made me love you
When I was a young girl
You love me back
When I was a young girl
You left my body bruised and cracked

Now that I am older
I see what I’ve gone through
Now that I am older
You made me hate you
Now that you’re sorry
I’ve never seen you caring to tear
Now that you’re sorry
You’ve made your own heart tear

Jesus Christ

Your words are still spinning in my veins
That’s how I am driving in a straight lane
To Colorado from Michigan
And I knew you could never have a straight life

There isn’t really much you can do about it
Every body wanting to turn their own ways
So that the path you take will never be straight
Unless you end it with roman razors and a warm water bath

Justice

ages of love
have gone unnoticed
in the clamor and chaos of hatred

there are souls that mount their shadows
above those that shine truth
that it seems light is something always flickering in the distance
and the wings of darkness
harness
layers of the skin of love
burning and lashing away at it
hoping that it will never be blinded by it

but even in the deepest artichoke
there is a core
of nothingness
that no shadow or black fire can contain for destruction
it is the dream of an allegory
of forms
where the sun casts the shadows in bowing obedience to the edges of light
defining the sake of goodness
not the other way around

but dreams usually remain dreams
where you can muse about it with every sip of wine
until the bottle is empty
and sleep ushers you back into reality
of death

Million

A million holes a million
Around me in the air
Pockets of air seething in the game
The more I , the more
This troubled lazy light
This is not white, not white

I try to whisper carefully
For these things are fundamentally
If they were heard, if they were
People longing, would be groaning
Truth is death, and that truth is dead
And people hiding it
Underneath layers of a artichoke hearts
Pealing away, pealing
Eternally, fundamentally, carefully

An evening in the Library

scrounging sun
on the desk and bag
in the library study room
evening settles as cars become slower, fewer and louder
and breezes come into the window
that brush goose bumps against my bare skin
and the mind is grounding ideas slowly, grounding slowly

justice is the incapability of man
justice is the brother of altruism
too long did I believe that justice was capable
as the infidel of altruism

The Noble Savage's Family

I read about a man
who was begrieved,
that he did not know who his biological parents were.
In his sorrow,
he a sung the song of the noble savage.
How he nourishes himself
from carbons, proteins and vitamins of the earth,
taking yeast and meat,
grinding them in his stomach and intestines
to chemistry that his body potentializes into physics
moving his muscles into swaying exasperations of life,
by which he breathed oxygens,
that are miniscule phantasmogorical suns of burning energy,
calculating thoughts with electrons
and ions colliding between neurons
blurting the vocal cords with wind
into words and grammar of the equation
balanced in the brain
and little sperms growing
from the lipids and hormones
darting to acupuncture an ovary,
and the jackpot conceptualizes
the conception of a beating being with a DNA
to encode a secret line of amino acids,
the enigma
that he can call his personalized biological child,
and while this child grows,
he decays into ashes, bones and shit
which is licked by worms, bugs and germs,
making themselves a feast for trees
that can breathe through stomata,
making the sour carbon and oxygen
into sweet sugar,
to unfold the threaded beauty of flowers,
clumping themselves as fruits to the ground,
gnawed and crunched through the jaws of rodents,
and the beaks of birds,
that shit and die in a cycling spiral,
from an evolution of life defined
by the natural laws of chemistry, physics and biology,
back to a banging breath of a god,
in which all matter was made
to the planets and stars,
suns and rocks,
oceans and atmospheric skies.
In which this noble savage finds
his connected parents brothers
and sisters, cousins
and aunts and uncles,
the grandparents
living under that ozone
blasted by sunrays into oxygen,
and that carbon burning to components for anyone to use,
like a free for all well fare of nature.
and water , moving, freezing and making an exasperating move of escape through evaporating
It seems that his ghost in his machine,
is merely a breath of an accident,
in which only the closest cycle will relate love, and hate through
Parents and their children.
Really only seem to be an assigned meaning by some irrational subconscious of matter

The Devil's Tree

Kid sitting in the cubicle
Walls full of holes
Calls full of ghosts
With his hand glued to the clacking
On the keyboard
“love you more than you know”
parents so far wayward
how long can he go
without the sunshine in here
without the sunshine from home

walking, walking
down, down, down
I thought I see these days not until further away
I am so sorry
I guess, so sorry!
That I have forgotten my mothers sleep gown
Down, down, down
Walking, walking

I was walking somber streets
With souls sliding beneath my feet
I was looking for the devil’s tree
Because I chant a cantus that makes me free
As my eyes glide beneath the leaves
I wonder how my soul pursues and how it grieves

There will be spirals
Reaching out to the corners of mirrors
Of reflection of reflection
Coming down, coming down, down, down
To the devil’s tree
In spirals

I was waking in somber fleets
Of souls sliding down into seats
I was wondering about the devil’s tree
Gnarled growls grumbling groaning to be free
Chanting a cantus, losing it through a sieve
There is an essence of life left,, that I live

There will be spirals
Reaching out to the corners of mirrors
Of confessions, of confessions
Coming down, coming down, down, down
To the dead dead tree
as infecting gyres

3:13 am

3:13 am
is the time of
contentment or discontentment
feeling the beat of your life
it is now
with the drag
of the cigarette
that you either like
the beat of your life
or not
now your
decisions
shake a rhythm of fear
or love or joy or
hatred
in your bones
like the soul
- or rather it is
that it robs your body
21 grams
at the point of death
-
and so I ask
what have I robbed my soul of
at the point of birth

Silenced Love

I wish I didn't recognize
the deepest ideas in my soul
I wish they were buried
like cursed treasures beneath scorching sand
I wish I could just wander the surface of the sahara
run ans die and dry and thirst
and never find out
that responsibility
is a thing that is farther than my legs can carry me
a thing wider than my arms can hug
that I slip into lazyness
that my eyes
see sandstorms and hazyness
that my skies
are dark with slyness
God writing crumpled papers
tossing them behind is back
disgruntled, blowing these winds in my face
I love and love and love myself
to try and love and love and love another self

love, coming away
it will leave
because I want to stay
here in a starry night
and heave
with a breath that i breathe
to bring the stars to shine
fanning each little spark in the sky

because if love leaves
then I can uncover my soul
from winter worn leafes
where underneath a truer path
has been hibernating
awaiting
to awaken
like a burly bear
king of the northern lands
where his paws wouldn't burn
on scorch hot sands
like the words of
those who fell in the love of the south
(where all love is only love for their own house)

yeah, yeah, I want to be
in a way
that in a way
that somehow without love
is love
that somehow
words aren't words
since somehow
grace is grace
and everything I do
everything I love
is only a love of myself
so that I want it to leave
because I want to stay
in the day
of my soul
that somehow God is God
and that is love
removed from my cousin
like flourishing resin
It oozes in clarity
in a summer of the north

and I don't want to love
because that is love
and I don't want to live
because that is life
and I don't want to believe
because that is faith
and I don't want to breathe
because that is breath

(only when you know that you have a shadow, can you hide it and run from it.)

come on out here
waiting for me
come on outwear
waiting for love
common you swear
waiting too long
mine and yours wait
wander in hate
mine and yours wait
wander too late
I need more than
I need to leave
these things behind
these things are blind
to myself and
to myself and
god himself and
to myself and
to myself and
god himself and
to myself and
to myself and
god himself and
starting again

am I gone away
am writing astray?
am I need this way
words crumble
sentence
am i need this be this blessing see
this way we need to be
this way i see
in darker
shadows
that I see and hide
wide and and and I lied

oh come on hate!
you are LOVE!
you are what I hate
because and and and
I need to
you forget to
they tell me to
he wants to
she wishes to
but and and and

(breathe
breathe

breathe
breathe)
....

eyelids
heavy
with a sleep so damn long
they open
and eyes hurt to see for the first time
this seeing
like light
coming
into
my mind
in the form
of physical pinnacles
probing
my brain
to consciousness
and it is funny that the first awareness is body
and not thought
that I think
that makes me exist
my first awareness is this fresh flesh
that will die in hundred years
or tomorrow
but this is being awake for today
for now

The Room

I
Here
When I was a child –
But I am here now
When the tears are at the brim
To never spill over for relief
This is the agony I will tell about

II
There was a sunshine of simple glory
With shades dancing in compromise
Casting away their own evil from light
And there were my bare feet
And hers
Walking among the shadow dances
Glimpsing this light as the thing we have in common
To find it
When we do, I put my hand on her shoulder blade
Feeling her smooth skin
The blood flowing out of her marrow through the cracks of the bones
And to her lips to mine
With the light dancing our shadows into a compromise
With our own evil cast behind us

This knot in my chest
The dark nothingness pulling my eyelids apart
To see the dream dissolve into my own musty room
Like the dusted books on my shelf

III
There were the candles’ simple glory
With shades of light (colours) in our faces
Casting our isolation into the dark night
With light creating a filling hollow for community
And there were my hands on the mug
And theirs
Lighting out conversation to a bigger capacity of love
Glimpsing this as this thing we have in common
To find it
When we do, we write, paint and sing
Of a community
The blood flowing from the cracks of our veins into the cracks of the lightless
Back to ours and His
With shades of light in our faces
Casting our isolations into the dark night

And this murmur in my chest
The darkest whisper pulling my eyelids apart
To see the dream dissolve in my musty room
Like the forgotten letters in the shoebox

IV
There was the old heavy sun in its simple glory
With shades bowing down in long lines
Transforming sin to a death for prayer
And there was my house
And a rocky beach
With the silently lapping water in a dying vital coldness
Glimpsing the life I’ve chopped for the fire
To have found it
And when I do, in my old grey days
Of solitude
The blood flowing from the cracks of my life and fire
To the cold water
With shades bowing down in long lines
Making my sin into a death for prayer

And this tremor in my chest
The intelligible hands pulling my eyelids apart
To see the dreams escape through my windows
Like I have been trapped in this musty room

V
The cracks in my bones grow
And the marrow of patience
Slips away
The cracks in my veins grow
And the blood of my love
Slips away
The cracks in my life and fire
And the salvation of my soul
Slips away

VI
Staring through the windows
Seeing my dreams dance in wild evolution and revolution
And freedom of
And myself here
Staring at the mirror
Seeing my lazy whiskers and strangled hair underneath my hat

With my hollow mind and body
In a room I cant let myself out of
The desiring pain when looking
Through the window
Make me feel lifeless and barren
Here
Not when I was a child
But where I am now
Where tears are at the brim
Never to be spilled over for relief
This is the agony I can never tell about

Becoming Numb

so this is the end of the year
and goodbys will be the only thing I never have to take leave of.
scraping the crust more and more
till I found that maybe I overbaked myself
and nothing is left but the crumbs for the dogs.
the darkest country road
is trying to blossom in memory
but my passenger seat
only holds a window
that shows slow moving blurr
can I come to this inbetween
stars and starvations
can I come to this meanwhile
cars and carnations
are bombing my soul to numbed tears
no simple school shooting that rocks me
everyday awake
everyday I am raped
everyday it takes
me away